Exemplar

Sometimes life has patterns.

One of my many patterns is that I look back on life and try to review it. I always hope that it will help me see how far I've come so that I might know how far I need to go. Of course, with my life, looking back is, more often than not, a very painful experience. Many people make mistakes. Mistakes are what make us human, and I have always devoted my efforts to admiring that part of our humanity, though I have a difficult time understanding why.

I suppose it's the way that our physical flaws are what make us different, and thus beautiful in my terms, it is our characteristic flaws that make us seem more real, and thus more valuable; more cherishable.

Yet some mistakes are bigger than others, and it is thusly that we get back onto the strange and uncomfortable topic of me. As I said before, many people make mistakes. Obviously I could be more accurate and say that everyone makes mistakes. Yet, somehow, mine always seem to be bigger than others. It is through my mistakes that I have destroyed many things that were precious to me, and the maddening problem is that every time I try to do something right to improve my life and make myself better off, I only destroy more.

It can't be right. There must've been something I'd done right. I have gathered far too many dear, wonderful friends to have been like this all along. Why is it that I keep remembering that I used to volunteer for Meals on Wheels to help deliver food to the elderly? The thought keeps popping up in my head, like I missed something.

The idea comes to mind that every time I have made an attempt to help myself, I have failed. Yet every time I have attempted to help another, I have met at least some small measure of success. A small measure sometimes means that I have at least manage to not set anything on fire, of course, but those are some damn good results compared to what I normally have to worry about.

This theory is completely in its infancy, unsupported by data, and probably doomed to fail, but I'll continue looking into it, just in case.

Have a good time, folks.